it's a good thing...

i found you this time of year...

the thought of you...

and what we once had,keeps me up at night.

i drive myself crazy wondering what went wrong in a world where everything was right.

i said, i’d die a thousand times to feel your love,

and come back as a sun ray on the back of your neck.

but the days became gloomy and the rain fell hard.

i’ve never felt such pain in my heart.

like a dagger right through me, i bled for days…

i wouldn't mind...

if your hands were rough when you held me.
i wouldn't mind if your face was scruffy when you brushed it against mine,
or ran your face across the back of my neck.
i wouldn't mind if you had oil, or sweat or paint on your shirt.
i wouldn't mind if you hugged me in it.
i wouldn't mind if you went 24 hrs without showering,
or brushing your hair, or trimming your beard.
i wouldn't mind if you sat around and watched sports on sundays,
or went for a bike ride alone...
i wouldn't mind if you went out with your friends and got drunk, as long as you came home to me.
i wouldn't mind if you burped out loud and didn't say excuse me,
or sneezed without covering your mouth.
i wouldn't mind if you used the last of the toothpaste
or left the shampoo bottles open.
i wouldn't mind if you wore the same jeans 3 days in a row
because you had no time for laundry...
as a matter of fact, i'd do it for you.
i wouldn't mind if you didn't say please or thank you
and i wouldn't mind if you laughed when i was angry
because that's what MEN do.

if i said you consumed my thoughts...

would it make you feel any different?

Everything I Never Wanted

I had already fallen in love...
I remember the first time we met,
You sat in the backseat while we drove in circles,
Looking for your destination
And i was not interested in turning around.
Throughout the ride, i heard your voice
Behind the booms and baps coming through the speakers
And i felt your breath with every word you spoke
About nothing...

3 yrs later you came back.
We rekindled what was never introduced.
We spoke to each other as if we'd never met
And i think i'd convinced myself that we hadn't.
It had been so long that i had forgotten
The voice behind the booms and baps
And looked at you as if i'd never seen that face.
A few days passed and you said you wanted to kiss me...
And you did;
With no hesitation or fear that i might decline.
Your mouth screamed confidence
And when my lips met yours,
It was the beginning of everything i never wanted.
I never wanted you to take me home.
I never wanted you to leave town.
I never wanted to miss you.
I only wanted to know who you were
Because at that point,
All you were was that voice
Behind the booms and the baps
And the face in the backseat of a car
I never rode in again.

A few days passed
And by that time you had me at
"I really wanna kiss you right now".
We stayed up late and ate your favorite snacks
After you smoked a couple stoges
But i didn't mind...
You called me "kinder fruisse"
Because it meant "baby fruit".
You said i was sweet.
We exchanged thoughts and feelings
About music and religion,
Politics and what the world was coming to.
I felt like i had known you for years
But i never wanted this to happen...

Summer came and went;
You went home
And then, i fell in love with your handwriting
Because i asked for more.
I fell in love with your pictures
Because letters just weren't enough.
Before i knew it, you were back again...
And this went on for a few years.
Back and forth,
Back and forth...
Each time my heart broke a little more.
Each time you took a piece of me with you,
Until there was nothing left.
You traveled the globe and sent me photos
But those just weren't enough.
You spoke of settling here when you got back
But that turned into something i never wanted.
I never wanted you to come and go again.
I never wanted to miss you.
I never wanted to feel like i'd been fighting
for something that wasn't mine.

Summer came and went,
And so did you.

and after 14 years,still not a day goes by that i don't think of you. my poppa was a rolling stone.

just thought you should know...

With each day that passes
My heart grows weary
For fear that this may not work.
Fear that you may not need me
And that life,before me,
Was a bowl of cherries.
And although I could just pick up and move on,
I never want to feel like I felt this way for nothing...
Truth;lies...in the eyes
Of the beholder
And what lies beneath is a broken boy
With hopes of being repaired
But too scared to let it happen.
You don't belong here,precious.
This world is too cruel for you.
So fragile,you wear a ceramic heart on your sleeve
And i'd hate to be the one to break it...

something deep down in my soul said "cry girl"

new edition

so once, again, i haven't posted anything on blogger in a whiiiiile.
i found myself favoring tumblr for a while cuz it was more entertaining, but realized this is more personal and suitable for self expression,poetry,reviews and other things "hope4".

so just to update you on my recent works, here's a piece i performed at Circus of the Arts II, brought to you by BlackNote collective, at limelight, august 20, 2011.

Never Ending Story (La Storia De Mi Vida)

let's talk a bit about the past/
tell me where you've been/
it's hard not to hold your hand/
we're only friends/
lips wrapped around a doobie/
mine around the rim/
i'm at the bottom of my glass/
where do i begin?

now, this is NOT love/
but i love the way you make me feel/
don't feel the need to ask/
because i know that you're for real/
but we've got to look past all the falacies/
let's make a deal/
how long does a good thing last?/
momma told me to find a man to keep me warm/
when it's cold/
poppa was a rollin stone/
he was bold/
he was a blue collar hero/
puttin' food on the table/
but i grew up believing "ever after"
was a fable/

this is a story about a girl/
in search of a lover/
she was lead to believe/
everyone was above her/
she slept her life away/
dreaming about being a queen/
waiting for her king to save her from a scene/
of a never ending story/
broke the spine/
threw it to the flame/
because of missing pages/
she'll never be the same/
we win some/
we lose some/
at least we can say we tried/
and determine our fate/
by the roll of the dice/
and i'm not afraid to love/
my feelings multiply/
but nothing lasts forever/
the story of my life/

i am the fallen one/
the angel with the scabbed wings/
who set the world ablaze/
with the fire in my eyes/
i've said it too many times/
"i won't let my feelings get the best of me"/
and "i'm done with lying alibies"/
because i feel they're always testing me/
and love will be the death of me...
yes, i've fallen hard/
but i have fallen from grace/
i can't think of you/
without seeing your face/
and i can't look at you/
without saying your name/
and i can't get that song out of my brain/

i'm not here for thrills/
i get chills when you touch my skin/
your eyes beam green/
illuminated from within/
let me chase away the clouds/
and be the calm before the storm/
i know your heart is hurting too/
cuz i know mine's a little worn/
let's be stars on the ground/
or birds in the sky/
you, a freckle on my nose/
i, a gleam in your eye/
let the record play/
and don't ask why/
just play me a song/
when i'm feeling down/

and we have built these walls/
but for whom did we build them?
held together to bandage the wounds/
you'd think something killed him/
and her, a song bird/
with broken vocal chords/
and pain bleeding out her pores/
her throat is sore/
from screaming at demons/
that made them so bitter/
but she still wants to sing/
so he'll never forget her...

"hit me one time baby/
hit me two times/
feels like you hit me three times/
in a row/
and i've got no time, no time/
to play this game with you/
if you want me then please let me know/
i've got no time,no time/
to play this game with you/
and if you don't/
then just let me go..."