the goods...

so my bff/baby momma brittany was having a horrible day and i just happend to get stood up on my day off after making plans with someone the previous night.
it doesn't surprise me that this person forgot that we made plans because this person is always intoxicated in some way,shape or form...
but ANYWHO!!!!!!

i'd been CRAVING boba tea for like a week already and everytime i was in the process of finally getting some, plans would change and my hopes would go from high apple pie in the sky to low down ODB type ish.

anywho, brittany's never had boba tea before and her curiousity led us to bobalicious (which happend to be located in the same shopping center as chopsticks).
neither of us had eaten and i REALLY had my heart set on sushi because my previous plans entailed sushi happy hour at goro's (which, btw am still craving.)

so bobalicious closes at 8 and brit shows up to my house at like 15 til.
so we make it with like 5 minutes on the clock and homeboy was kind enough to make us our BOBALICIOUS smoothie/tea after i described how fatally serious my craving was. (and if you're already thinking it, NO, i am NOT preggo).

so moving forward....
i ordered the "san antonian" which consists of strawberry,avacado (and since it's milk based i had the option of soy, which i took the opportunity of substituting) and of COURSE black tapioca pearls (for those who have no idea what boba tea is).
brittany had NO IDEA how to even order so she chose a flavor and i ordered for her.
honey milk tea, shaken (not blended).

as we waited for our yummy beverages to be prepared, we sat at a table and attempted to play the game TROUBLE, which neither of us remembered how to play.
so we improvised and made up our own rules.
luckily the barista was quick enough to deliver before we got completely frustrated and knocked the table over, sending the game soaring into the shelf of many board games behind us. LOL

needless to say, they were DEEEEELISH! and it felt like a party in my mouth!

then we made our way to chopsticks which was agreed upon because i could have sushi there and brittany could induldge in whatever her little heart desired (considering she's nearly 8mnths pregnant and cannot eat raw seafood).
to be quite honest, the sushi was NOT BAD and surprisingly satisfied my taste buds and belly.

moving on to desert....
i grabbed a slice of strawberry cheesecake and a scoop of strawberry ice cream.
i took one bite of each and it was sooooo good.
on my second attempt i found this long, curly wire which resembled that of a wire brillo pad used to scrub dishes!
i was like DOUBLE YOO TEE EFF?!?!?

called the server over (who was having a really tough time with her section cuz there was like 3938267348 kids getting on her nerves) and showed her the piece of metal that i found.
brittany and i were both laughing so of course, she found humor in it and laughed with us.
i asked for her manager and as she walked away, i plotted with brittany to get our money back.
so i started coughing loudly and grabbing my throat as if i were choking.
trying her hardest not to laugh, brittany just sat back and drank her tea, while i made a scene and waited for the manager to arrive. (keep in mind our server was laughing this whole time because it really was funny)
i told him what happend and showed him the piece of metal that i claimed to have hit the back of my throat and continued to cough, explaining to him that my friend "did NOT know the heimlich maneuver" and that i "could have died" lmao!
so this little chinese man apologizes like 294534860 times in a row, takes my ticket and comes back with my money. *laughing out loud*

he walked us out, apologized again and stated how he HOPED we'd come back. hahahahahahaha


so with that money, we went to the movies and saw THE GOODS, which btw, is a fucking HILARIOUS flick that i recommend watching high.....if not, that's cool, just watch it!!!!!!

although i felt as if we were the only ones laughing to the extent which i'm assuming the producers expected(will ferrel being one of them), we still had an amazing time and this story to tell.


thank you and goodnight.

life is....

watching the stars fall above your head at night wondering where the sky begins...

sittin'

like a bird sittin high
twitter.com/hope_4 @Brittany_02

hope LESS

i know it sounds bitter but don't get your hopes up so high that they're completely out of reach.
i finally found hope in a person who i believed was on the same level and wanted the same things as i do but in all actuality, this person has NO IDEA what they want.
one minute it's all good, we're enjoying each other's company, talking bout the future and the next minute there is NO future....
i've been built up and let down so many times in my life that i can no longer count them on one hand.
i dont go out looking for relationships. i let them come to me. and when they do (which is rarely), i embrace them with everything i have.
im tired of scared ass little boys (who are older than me, btw) who are afraid to settle down, or open up, for that matter.
i'm sorry you've been hurt by other girls. i'm sorry that you're emotionally unstable.
but dont put up a front and act like you're ready to be with me when you're really not.
i understand your hustle and your lifestyle. we live an extremely similar lifestyle.
i dig change. i NEED change. and i thought i found it but it's all the same shit that i've been through a thousand times over.
i DESERVE to be happy. i DESERVE to be taken care of.
i've taken care of other people all my life! it's MY turn!
i'm a good person. and a bomb ass girlfriend, if i do say so, myself.
im all about individuality, and equality and space.
i don't expect you to leave your crew and be all mine....just make me a part of whatever it is you do.
if not, fine, just come home to me at the end of the night.
thats all i ask.
you do you, i'll do me, and we'll meet somewhere in between and make it happen.
just stop being so effin' SCARED!!!!!!!
just cuz you got your heart broken in the past by some bitch, it doesn't mean all girls are the same!
if i allowed myself to become bitter and put up a wall to keep people from coming into my life, i'd be an emotional cripple!
i'm sorry. i'm just being honest.
grow the fuck up and figure your shit out.
get your mind right and stop fuckin with other people's emotions (as well as your own).

i'm only venting here because i dont feel the need to call and cry to someone about my problems.



anita g.

i want out!

dont get me wrong.
i love my city.
i love my homies.
but i hate the fact that EVERYONE has beef with someone!
either that or someone brings up old shit about you that doesn't even matter, or never DID matter and turns it into something completely immature and irrational.
i need new people in my life.
people that are on my level.
people that can just relax.
i need to relax.
but its hard when all your friends are stressed or stressing you about something or the other....
i need easy going, free spirited, educated individuals who will sit and chat with me instead of yelling over the blaring music at the bar.
i mean, i'm not trying to run away from ANYTHING or ANYONE in particular.
i'm not even running.
i'm taking my time.
i just crave diversity.
i crave experience.
i crave new personalities and faces i've never seen.
lips i've never kissed.
hands i've never held.
minds i've never explored.
the exchange of words with new society i guess.
i'm not meant to be in one place.

pray for me.

requerdos...

i remember the first time our eyes met in a different light.
we stared at our feet all night and the minute i decided to look up, you did the same...and we were re-introduced.

i remember the look in your eyes when i said i was down to roll with you.
i remember the ride home.
i remember gettin' there. lying there. staring at the glowing box in front of your bed.
getting comfortable and waiting.

you: "does this feel right to you?"
me: "yeah"

i remember your head in my hands and my head in yours and both our hearts beating prefusely with nerves and emotion,hesitation,confusion,want, and need all at the same time....
when our lips met for the very first time it was like the missing piece to my puzzeled little brain that had been waiting for this feeling for so long.
they fit so perfectly.
moved so perfectly...
it was like it had been premeditated for years.
your hands knew mine.
my hands embraced yours.
and our bodies connected instantly.
all hesitation vanished.
and any question as to weather or not this felt right dissappeard just as quickly.
it was like we already knew each other.
i opened my eyes every once in a while to see the satisfaction on your face.
and then i closed them instantly before you caught me.
i felt like i was where i belonged.
i couldn't sleep cuz all i could think about was you and you were right next to me.
i guess i was just waiting for tomorrow so the feeling would linger into the next day...
which it did.
and into the next.
and the next...
and then....you disappeard.

i then realized, it was only a dream.


be careful what you hope for.

recooping

from the past couple days.
partied too hard from friday til saturday morning.
haven't done that in a looooong time!
slept all through saturday night and i still feel like shit.
my equilibrium is off. my body aches. and my mind is elsewhere.
still grinding harder than ever though!
need to make more dough so i can catch santogold tomorrow!!!!!
missin' a certain someone occupies all my free time these days.
cant seem to think of anything else...
maybe that's why my head hurts so badly....ugh
i'm over it.

my short stay in atx

was cool.
nothing major but the company was dope.
dank,pills,,music,downtown,and other things.
i wouldnt mind living there.
i just need to become familiar with the city.
had a good time spending time with the person i was with.
came back happier than ever.
new feelings, new perspective, new friend. NEW HOPE.

i met...

the dopest person i already knew ;)












that is all.




anita.syne

what happends next?

what happens when you realize the people you surround yoruself with have had enough of you?
and vice versa.
the people you call your "brothers" and "sisters" become "that dude" or "that chick"
"that dude is wilin' yo"

what happens when you get to the point where you absolutely have to escape the place you call home to feel safe and vulnerable to positive energy?

what happens when you come to a point in time when you're constantly questioning yourself?
what am i gonna do?
who am i gonna rely on?
who's real?

sadly, people grow apart...
or tired of each other, for that matter.
i strongly believe in time and space.
i love my friends dearly.
i care.
i support.
i'm down.
but what about me?

lately i was told "you only think about yourself"
it's true.
it's my turn.
this is MY journey.
i need some "ME" time ya'll!
i need to focus on MY career and MY relationships.
MY happiness. MY needs. MY habits. MY faults. MY choices, MY mistakes. MY insecurities. MY hustle. MY emotions. MY lack, there of.
i'm constantly asking myself why so many relationships fail...
i realized it's because we need to love and support ourselves fully and individually before we attempt to do that for each other.
it's only fair.
for us as people. as individuals. as humans.
i'm not saying i want to be alone. or be left alone for that matter.
all i'm saying, is do YOU and let ME do ME...
and we'll meet somewhere in the middle.
my heart is way too heavy with my own emotions to be responsible for someone elses...

so what happens next?

one of the illest jams EVER!

and homie played this ish at limelight! i couldn't belive it!

Jackson Sisters

my stomach aches....

with nervousness.
have to report in about 30 minutes.
haven't made a payment in a month or so, and didn't do my class...
i'm just gonna give him some sob story and ask for an extention.
even if its a week i can do that shit on my next day off...
i HATE this!
i really DO NOT have time for this BS.
plus, i'm a little too old to be on probation.
i mean, yeah there's a million people who are WAY older than me but those people are loser,alcoholic,drug addict/dealers who dont have real jobs and have nothing better to do with their time.
or they're 17/18 year old delinquints who dont give a shit.
but I, on the other hand, was just in the WRONG place at the WRONG time.

thanx alot brittany! what would i do without your bitch ass?

is there any love?

here's cudi's version

jam of the day...

kid cudi sampled this joint on his album and i HAD to track down who it was!





enjoi

today...

business FINALLY picked up!
i dont wanna jinx myself but this is definitely a good sign.
i wasn't sitting on my ass all day and my feet hurt...
summer's near and kids will be outta school soon....woohoo!
gimme your money!!!!!
so anyone reading this, come see me at rings of fire @ 6864 ingram rd. 78238 and ask for hope ;)



on that paypuh chase >;)

come together

so last night was our benefit show for our fallen homie/artist andrew "krazy" vidal, thrown by KOT productions and the rings of fire family.

the turnout was awesome! almost everyone i invited personlly showed up, all the musicians rocked, even yours truly got a chance to rock the mic while my boy albert and his newly formed collaboration of ill ass artists took the limelight.

shit was ill son! shao on the cuts,beto on the electric drum set, victor on the strings, alex on the keys and yours truly (hope4) on the mic.
we kicked some live drum n bass and hip hop/trip hop. straight held it down yo!

everything was going great, music was off the chain, raffel tix were being sold, kats were painting and everyone was having a good time. nebs and i were just talking about how happy we were with the turnout and then all of a sudden some BS broke out!

apparently someone (no name dropping) poured beer on another persons painting. TOTALLY disrespected him and his artwork. not only that but he disrespected the whole show!
the homies decided to leave to avoid more drama which sucked because they were the main providers of music and mark from lotus tribe and i were gonna rock a jam session with alberts band again.

all i can say is karma's a bitch because everything fell apart for that dudes homie who was supposed to perform.
the dj took all his equipment and fade dogg was left with no one to play his cd.
i guess that what happens when your homies like to knock off. it ruins everything for you and everyone else.

but its all good cuz we raised over $1000 for krazy's son and everyone left pretty much a happy camper ;)

the person who knocked off apologized and owned up for his chilidish actions but it still doesn't make it right.
i squashed it cuz i see the kat on a daily basis but i will never forget what he did.

i mean, the artists weren't out there demanding respect but i think any artist who is willing to drop all their barriers and allow people to spectate and critisize them while they work DESERVES respect. end of story.

2000 swine!!!

ugh all this swine flu talk is making me sick!
i've been feeling a bit "unhealthy" since last saturday! it's almost been a week!
it started out with a sinus headache and now it's branched off to migranes! i cant stand it anymore.
today was the worst though. i think working at the goodwill made it worse.
touching all those dirty,bacteria infested clothes...ugh!
my hands were all grimey and i could feel the dirt and bacteria making its way into my lungs.
it made it hard to breath.
i dont want to go back but i have to.
i feel a little better now though. i took some sudafed pe and it relieved a LOT of that sinus pressure in my head. it was horrible! so bad i skipped community service and slept all day.
erin doesnt feel good either :(
she's had a cough for the past couple of days which scares me cuz she's at a hight risk of getting sick.
i miss her.
i havent seen her in months and it kills me!
i mean we talk on the phone and whatnot but thats nothing compared to the image of that beautiful smile and that unmistakeable(spell check?) laugh.
she makes me darkest days brighter than the sun.
just the sound of her voice makes me smile.
i spoke to her briefly a while ago but neither of us are feeling good so we hung up.
i hope i get to see her soon.
i hate the way her parents keep her locked in a cage. poor girl.
like it's not bad enough she has cancer and has to go through chemo and radiation.
she has to spend her days miserably bored with no social life other than myspace and her cell phone?
what kind of life is that?
do you really want your child to become depressed and despiteful of you?
i mean, come on give the girl a break!
she's young and has littlel to no friends!
thats not healthy! especially at a time like this.
she needs friends and support more than she ever will in her life and you're gonna take that away from her too?
some parents just dont get it.
i passed by palm heights church the other day and i always read the bulletin board.
it said "parents can tell but never teach until they practice what they preach"

good one.

what is time but a waiting period that's being occupied by distraction?

i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired.
i had a series of dreams the other night that all contained water or liquid of some sort.
shower,toilet,urine,water slide, dirty/muddy swimming pool and feces.
i wont get completely into detail but i looked further into these dreams and they resemble my need to clarify my mind, body and soul.
i'm being swept away by my emotions and allowing them to overcome me.
i'm being too "passive" with these feelings and need to deal with them.
i mean, these are things that i know subconciously but it means so much more when it comes to you in this form. like my subconcoious was so overwhelmed with suppressed feelings that it needed to show me what i need to do before it's too late.
i've been stressing about a LOT of things lately. work, money, probation, my relationships with others....
i do this often.
i guess i've been supressing these emotions because i've felt them so many times, over and over before.
it drains me to the point of tears.
i cant sleep at night and when i finally do, it's morning and there's no use.
i try so hard NOT to let it overwhelm me but i'm just a giant ball of emotion.
i have writers block. i lack motivation. you would think this would encourage me but all i want to do is sleep. it distracts me from what's really going on around me.
well, usually.
i haven't been to the studio in a couple months.
i've got tracks written and ready to be recorded but i never have time because i practically LIVE at the shop.
i dont mind being here. it's my life. i chose it. i enjoy it. but it leaves no time for extra curricular activities.
i sing often. i make up songs while im in the shower. it soothes me.
i sing in my sleep. last night it was hometown glory by adele. it was nice.
i guess what i'm trying to say is....i'm sad.

Team Sleep

let it be.

i grasped on to it for dear life, but it was never mine to begin with.

how can you lose that which is not yours?

i fooled myself into thinking it belonged to me.

i lived in a fantasy world for so long that now reality makes no sense.

i saw your face yesterday and walked away.

i asked you to let me go.

and again today.

i said the only words i knew you'd understand

because i've repeated them so many times.

the look in your eyes takes all the shine from my soul 

and leaves my heart dark and cold.

please don't speak my name.

please don't look my way.

please don't ever change.

and i will do the same.

these roses bear no life.

and these balloons breathe no air.

i will swallow my pride

and look for comfort at the bottom of this bottle.

your breath reeks of stale apologies.

your heart beat's a rare commodity.

our eyes meet and fright is all i see.

you are broken.

A Day In The Life - The Beatles Chill Out

fairytale bliss...

i'm always complaining about how people make me sick 

and how no one understands the complexity of my mind.

i've had this craving for new intelligence.

i so desperately want to share thoughts and beliefs and feelings

with someone who will see it in my eyes before i even speak.

someone who will smile at me when i'm about to cry

and stop the first tear from falling.

someone who will aske me questions about answers i dont know

so it will force me to figure them out.

i was swimming in this sea of people one night and someone saw me drowning.

he reached his hand out to me assuming i needed help.

afraid of hyperventilation, i accepted and reached back.

he held my hand and walked me home.

with quivering lips, i looked into his eyes from behind my window,

afraid that it wouldn't open

but somehow, some way he held the key in his hand (and in his melancholy eyes).

i smiled and silently asked him to set me free.

as our eyes met, our barriers vanished and my lips stopped quivering.

niether of us spoke a word but screamed loud with emotion,

understanding each other completely.

that night, my heart was kidnapped.

when the time came to open my eyes,i found myself blind. unable to see.

the rays that used to beat through my window are no longer a part of my day.

the moon we used to share and the stars we wished upon

are now historic sites in a purgatory.

love lost a thousand times and chest cavities unable to be filled once more.

it was the last time either of us would feel infatuation.

the melodies transcend into memories that cause me to become dillusional.

i remember meeting at the foot of the eiffel tower.

i, in a simple white dress.

he beared a single red rose in his hand and a million "i love you's" in his eyes.

i tried walking on clouds a few nights ago, but realized i cannot do it alone.

my heart sank so deep it caused me to fall right through those clouds of hope.

an infinite amount of butterflies flutter amongst the inside of my body.

they fly around looking for the source of which they came about.

i light a candle in memory of the one who stole my heart and ran.

i don't want it back.

i want him to have it until....

THE END.

beauty in flaws (for erin)

you're beautiful.
the way you walk into the room
it demands my attention
your complexion makes me swoon
aint no man on this planet 
gonna save you from your doom
so take my hand,
let's do some damage
ima take you to the moon.
your big brown eyes 
are like craters in the sky
deeper than the galaxies.
the stars; they multiply
when you bat your eyelashes
i see the twinkle in your eye
and when you open your mouth to speak
i see rays of sunshine.

just thought i'd let you know <3

to everything a season...

the way you look  back at me takes away all my sanity.

it clouds any judgment of where we stood before this.

i remeber how my heart use to beat so hard i thought it would pertrude out of my chest when i saw you.

or even heard from you.

but we were young.

walking down the street hand in hand in the middle of the night.

looking up at the sky and wandering if you were looking at the exact same star as i was.

the smell of incense burning and the glow of lit candles was our purpose for those late night rendevous.

writing insignificant letters to each other in hopes that the other would take them seriously.

and then you went away.

i never truly moved on.

only fooled myself to believe that it wasn't meant to be but not for long.

summer came and went and when you returned you were someone else.

then, little by little i peeled the layers of that thick coat you painted over yourself and revealed the "true" you, once again.

and it was on.

this happend over and over for a few years and now that you're back again, i feel as if it's time.

you still posess that same look in your eye that you did the first time you walked away and i can't deny it.

 it's love.

so kiss me like you'll never see me again and love me until it hurts

because only god knows that this is young love grown old...